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Yes, definetly more oblique, great. I wonder if you might change the ‘I hate sharing you’ lime (which makes Ashley sounds possessive) to something like “it’s just… you know how you get.” In other words, have Ashley referring to the problem without quite naming it…

Thanks Philippa, the good news is that I have kept it but hopefully I’ve made it more oblique. I’ve kept it where it is in the story and I have taken Kate’s suggestion and move the father vignette towards the end as a reveal to tie it all together.

The new phone vignette is:

Sprawled on bed, phone wedged between your shoulder and your ear, you…[Read more]

Oh – and it might be good if there was a veiled hint of what was to come, earlier on. I mean heavily veiled, so that its true meaning would only be realised after reading to the end. Just a thought.

I thought this very well written, John; nicely constructed, with the flashback. I kept wanting to read on. The only suggestion I would make is in the ending. “He was my first” is good because you immediately think she means her first time with a man, but quickly we see that’s not what she meant – which gives away the ending too soon. Much as I…[Read more]