Like it. You mentioned ‘telly’ bits – as in telling, rather than showing. So when we first meet Florence, you tell us ‘a woman was sitting in a chair’ – a simple change like ‘a woman sat in a chair, eyes on the tv’ can make it less so. Similarly, towards the end, ‘He held a glass in each hand which…’could become something like ‘The glasses in his hands rendered him…’ shows us why he can’t defend himself rather than telling us.
And yes, I’m with Laure in that adding something about what Florence remembers of the detail of the attack can bring it to life even more. It doesn’t necessarily need to be gory, but things you wouldn’t think someone would notice when they’re committing murder.
This story definitely has legs – now to make it run!! 😉