Reply To: Chapter seven – a spider's path

About Forums Den of Writers Critiques Chapter seven – a spider's path Reply To: Chapter seven – a spider's path

#1096
Elle
Participant

Hi Sophia,

I enjoyed reading this and I like the way you get us into the MC’s head and show up how unhinged he is through his thoughts. I also like the subtle hint about OCD and the repeat of the four-pattern. I think you’ve suggested well that there is a lot more going about this MC that we don’t know yet.

One thing that stuck out for me in the dialogue with the girl at the start is that they both use ‘yeah’ quite a bit an it came across as repetitive so maybe you could limit the use. There are also a lot of stage direction in that dialogue with hand’s and eye movement and maybe some of it could be trimmed. Furthermore, like Squidge I got confused and thought they were talking at the door first.

The term “under clothes” struck me as odd and I’m not sure why he doesn’t call it underwear as it seems to be a contemporary setting.

Don’t worry you’re not alone I need people to double check my writing for spelling mistakes so if I can pay it forward I noticed a couple of things:

“to shoulder with it’s neighbours” — it should be “its neighbours” without the apostrophe

“gives a little embaraced” — should be “embarrassed”

I hope this helps!