Reply To: Memories

About Forums Den of Writers Critiques Memories Reply To: Memories

#1153
Raine
Participant

This is brilliant, John. So much the opposite of where I expected it to go at the opening! I love her poise with the police – it adds such an element of shiver-factor.

I agree with others that a light dusting of other sensory details would help make the thing more potent, but I like the easy, matter of fact voice so don’t lose that.

One thing that stuck out for me was the speaking Cantonese – perhaps the restaurant needs flagging as CHinese, or perhaps doesn’t need to be Chinese at all as she may well not be fluent in French?

THe other thing that occurred to was her heading off from her military posting – she’d need official leave, (and a pass to go to Paris, I think?). But also, she’s a surgeon, so perhaps you could use that bit to foreshadow very, veyr slightly. Some ref to loving her job, or being bored of simply amputating limbs, I don’t know. Maybe. It wouldn’t really mean anything till the reveal, but I think it would be sneakily sinister.

THis is a great wee piece though – I’d have a look for homes for it. Occulum do dark flash things I think?