It’s very visual, which I like. I also like your almost-informal style of writing, which should work for your target readership, which I’m assuming is younger teens/children? I vastly preferred your original opening sentence, for what it’s worth, it scanned better for me and ended with the interesting word illuminiorb, which makes you want to read on. One thing – and this isn’t pertaining to how it works as an opening, so apologies – but as a side issue, the capitalising of the Power made me think of the book by Naomi Alderman. I’m sure it doesn’t matter as your intended readership is so different. But it was the first thing I thought of, and that might be true for your editor as well.