Hi Squidge. I think the second one is much smoother. For me, there are no points where the “forward-motion” (if you know what I mean) vanishes. The situation is clear, and the level of tension is good – I am thinking that her creating the illuminorb is the “hmm … that’s rather interesting” thing of note that happens before the “yeah, ok, now that’s a game changer” thing kicks off. In other words, starting at the point where something unusual happens, something a little out of the norm and which may be small but is definitely the moment everything else flows from. Anyway, I waffle.
So yep – looks good. I did prefer the original opener but this works just as well; it’s a matter of taste. Couple of other tiny wibbles but I wouldn’t sweat them now. 🙂 Thanks for the read.