Reply To: First chapter – Spider's path

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#1745
Jonathan
Participant

Contentwise it is all good and fine. Oh – “Black Shug, black shug” – that’s really creepy, like a chant. And there are some great lines and expressions in here. Stylistically, as it is now, I would want a little more editing to happen before I would be ready to read on, but that may be a matter of personal taste. The tense seems to change a little in the first paragraph; it starts out with a few references to things in the immediate past but then suddenly we’re in the present, so that combined with the slight overwritten-ness is making me struggle a bit. Maybe also name Laura sooner. I felt like I was kept at a distance for a good bit. But, yes, keep at it. Maybe just think about putting a present-tense opening line there to set us in properly. I did like the fast, dreamlike page of the opening bit – once it got going, that set the tone very well.

  • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jonathan.
  • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jonathan.
  • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jonathan.
  • This reply was modified 3 years ago by Jonathan.