I had to read this a few times, Richard, to get beyond the awfulness of it. You were right to post it with a warning.
It’s a very strong piece of writing and – this is meant as a compliment – I’m glad I had a go at my own scene before reading it, because I would have found it difficult to write in my own voice afterwards! Yes, I see how you’ve done it. A jumble of her impressions and reactions, in close PD, using the lack of punctuation to make it seem incoherent and immediate. It really works. And it adds a speed to the action without diluting the horror of it. Much food for thought!