Reply To: Red (short story – 2,600 words)

About Forums Den of Writers Critiques Red (short story – 2,600 words) Reply To: Red (short story – 2,600 words)

#2648
StellaOlivetti
Participant

Dear Elle

I liked it. I did find myself thinking of that Angela Carter story/film when I was reading the first version so I think there must have been enough subliminal wolf references there. The bit where she ate his fear genuinely creeped me out a bit! A few tiny things – is this for a competition, or a magazine? which might be worth polishing: I think you mean taut not taunt when describing Jezza’s top; as pp said, I don’t think skittles works as a simile for pills, maybe because I am old enough to associate them with the bowling game and not sweets; I agree with a pp who said the pace slows down too much in the penultimate para, but it is good, so on balance I’d leave it in. Is there any relevance to the grandmother being Russian? just out of interest. Other tiny things/typos: isn’t it Arctic Monkeys? And finally, the bit with jabba the hut entering the bar jarred for me and eventually I worked out that it would flow better with a verb, e.g. the next man …. WAS Jabba the hut minus the green complexion. These are all little things, and I apologise if I sound like I’m nitpicking. I did like it a lot, you have an unusual turn of phrase and I liked the juxtaposition with dry humour/slang. Think I preferred the title Red, though. Oh, and one last thing – God, I’m sorry, more nitpicking coming up, do you think Jabba and Jezza are a bit similar? As you can see I read it two or three times! but that’s because I liked it.

Stella