About › Forums › Den of Writers › Critiques › The Disappearance of Rebecca Faulks (short Story – 2,800 words) › Reply To: The Disappearance of Rebecca Faulks (short Story – 2,800 words)
You have some neat phrases – “an artificial sun of modern technology”, ” in a voice too high to be natural”, “The answer nothing more than a Pavlovian response.” “Had her mother been one of those flashes of light?”. I could probably go on some more.
I think one big stumbling block for me is the sentence structure. You have alot of “X’ing to the Y, Z did abc.” Can’t recall if these are fronted adverbials, but you have alot of them, quite close to one another, and it tends to set up an unwanted rhythm and very much “looks like writing”.
“Staring at the gaping mouth of the fridge, she searched its shelves for a clue.”
“Grabbing the carton, she slammed the door shut”
“Taking her bowl of cereal to the living room area, she settled on the window seat,”
“Wiping her mouth with her bathrobe’s sleeve, she reached for her phone.”
There’s quite alot of sensory stuff – the sugar frosting her tongue. It is fine, but it is almost a little too much minutiae (for me). Maybe think about focusing on those senses that perhaps have some bearing on events.
Sentencs like “In truth, she had been wearing her PJs since she got home from work yesterday.” can probably lose the “in truth” because they tend to distance us from the character. Let us be Becca. She wouldn’t think “in truth”; she would just have the thought as-is. Try it anyway.
Final thought: I wonder if you could give her – this sounds odd – a bigger reason to self-harm. What is the tragedy that has pushed her to this. You needn’t expound on it too much but certainly think about having it lurk in the background there like a shadow. Good luck anyway – hope this helps. 🙂