Activity

Great stuff. Thoroughly enjoyed this. Must look out for The Hill of Dreams

Down Memory Lane and Beyond
I am nine and today choose to leave for school by our front gate. I step down into Sandy Lane. The tall trees shielding the convent opposite rustle their leaves as though whispering the secrets of a cloistered life. If I walk up the lane to the top road I will pass the allotments with their topiary birds unable to…[Read more]

Critique requested, if anyone has time. 🙂
This chapter has a few tricky things going on:
1. A foreign language, which Elspeth begins to understand, and ultimately will speak. I show this in later chapters by changing the font when she speaks the Shejara language, so its clear that certain characters can or can’t understand her. I want to give…[Read more]

Thank you! So helpful! xx

Lots of short posts worked! Hope they’re helpful. Kate

As a slightly more general point, I wonder if this chapter moves the story forward enough. They have this great and exciting ride and Elsbeth discovers some things about herself, but has the plot moved at all? Not having read the rest of the story it’s a bit hard to tell, but just something to think about. (Have to admit I’m guilty of too much pac…[Read more]

A few other odds and ends: ‘Snow melt trickled off the mountains into a river underground.’ This is a very big image. What is Elsbeth seeing exactly. Maybe more precise.

‘Elspeth reached out to touch him. Her fingers touched his sleeve.’ Repetition of touch.

‘Elspeth invited her to sit with them’. How? – did she indicate the chair and smile.

‘…[Read more]

Concentrating specifically on the flight section, here are some thoughts on how to use show rather than tell:

Elspeth and Tamram accepted with delight (telly – having them reply might work better. ‘Oh yes, that would be amazing’, then show us what Elsbeth is feeling. ‘A prickle of anticipation ran across Elsbeth’s skin.’ And then perhaps a d…[Read more]

So for example, instead of saying ‘Elspeth hoped he was asking about Dad.’ You could say. ‘Please let him be asking about Dad’. that gives us Elsbeth’s thought directly, without filtering her thoughts through her.

Or, instead of ‘Elspeth decided to ask Launde about it.’ ‘She would ask Launde about it.’ Because we’re in Elsbeth’s POV, you…[Read more]

Hi MCave – thanks for sharing with us. I can see flying around on giant dragonflies would be very appealing to your MG market.
While this is fun, it does feel a bit distant and telly in places. It would be nice if you could move us a bit closer to the MC and let the reader experience the excitement, particularly with the flying, that Elspeth w…[Read more]

I have to agree with Ath, they were a wonderful lot of entries this month. Congratulations to Libby and to everybody who took part. Fingers crossed I might get an entry in this month!

Between 2011 and 2013, for some eighteen months, I participated in a ‘Small stones’ project; a daily moment of intense observation. Many were made during the twelve minute walk (six there, six back) to buy a morning paper. This is a 396 word selection.

Autumn

Stepping stones of yellow sycamore
stuck to the rain-damp road

And the sky this mor…[Read more]