Pinkbelt

Thanks Tony, good points, noted.
Thanks, Elle. I guess my spell checker doesn’t speak French! Good points. I think I have a tendency to over-explain or I would have ended it at “He was my first”. Need to trust the reader more. The telly paragraph is a bit of a cop out – I’ll need to rewrite it.

I can’t remember what the original prompt was, but I…[Read more]

You’re welcome, Bren. Lovely to see so many familiar names, indeed

Thanks Philippa for your feedback. I’m really happy that you found it credible especially bearing in mind your background.

I have corrected all of those typos and mistakes so thank you for that too.

Based on Raine’s and someone else’s feedback I have added the following paragraph:

She woke up filled with the resolve to go out, bathe in fresh…[Read more]

Good luck for when you sub! Xx

Oh I like that suggestion, thanks for that!

Hi John, I enjoyed the story and the twist.I agree it is well written and I enjoyed the little touches of dark humour. Personally I would have left the end at “he was my first.” and add something about memories to keep the ambiguity of the statement.

Also I wanted to get a bit more in Florence’s motivations or maybe not motivation but some kind…[Read more]

Yes, definetly more oblique, great. I wonder if you might change the ‘I hate sharing you’ lime (which makes Ashley sounds possessive) to something like “it’s just… you know how you get.” In other words, have Ashley referring to the problem without quite naming it…

Thanks Philippa, the good news is that I have kept it but hopefully I’ve made it more oblique. I’ve kept it where it is in the story and I have taken Kate’s suggestion and move the father vignette towards the end as a reveal to tie it all together.

The new phone vignette is:

Sprawled on bed, phone wedged between your shoulder and your ear, you…[Read more]

FWIW, I actually think the phonemail is a really key pivot point! I would recommend keeping this in, and building the structure of the piece as a whole around it, as Kate highlights.
Remember, even though this story is built of a series of vignettes, it still needs to have a narrative arc. The phone call gives you a useful turning point, and the…[Read more]

Hi Elle,
Sorry it’s taken me a while to get to this.

I really enjoyed this. I think it’s an incredibly realistic portrayal of depression, especially the sense of complete hopelessness and almost indifference that invades. She almost simply accepts and embraces her “fate”, to the point where (for me) suicide in the bath seemed like simply the next…[Read more]