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Dear Elle
I liked it. I did find myself thinking of that Angela Carter story/film when I was reading the first version so I think there must have been enough subliminal wolf references there. The bit where she ate his fear genuinely creeped me out a bit! A few tiny things – is this for a competition, or a magazine? which might be worth polishing: I think you mean taut not taunt when describing Jezza’s top; as pp said, I don’t think skittles works as a simile for pills, maybe because I am old enough to associate them with the bowling game and not sweets; I agree with a pp who said the pace slows down too much in the penultimate para, but it is good, so on balance I’d leave it in. Is there any relevance to the grandmother being Russian? just out of interest. Other tiny things/typos: isn’t it Arctic Monkeys? And finally, the bit with jabba the hut entering the bar jarred for me and eventually I worked out that it would flow better with a verb, e.g. the next man …. WAS Jabba the hut minus the green complexion. These are all little things, and I apologise if I sound like I’m nitpicking. I did like it a lot, you have an unusual turn of phrase and I liked the juxtaposition with dry humour/slang. Think I preferred the title Red, though. Oh, and one last thing – God, I’m sorry, more nitpicking coming up, do you think Jabba and Jezza are a bit similar? As you can see I read it two or three times! but that’s because I liked it.
Stella
Richard, that was good/awful. Works very well as it’s Rosalind’s pov so the abandonment of grammar, punctuation etc makes perfect sense. I think upthread examples of where violence is done well was requested: to my mind, one of the best (and it’s really hideous) egs of a violent scene is the torture scene in Day of the Jackal. But as far as I remember it’s written from an omniscient narrator or third person or whatever the tech term is – anyway, not from inside anyone’s head. I know that’s considered old fashioned these days. But it’s genuinely compelling, though hard to read, and that’s coming from someone who literally can’t bear to watch anything violent on the TV.
Stella
I will look at the two comps you mention. Bath, that’s interesting; I am dithering about entering the children’s competition, I think the end date is December. It’s 25 quid though which is a lot. I rationalise it to myself by reminding myself I don’t smoke. And yes, celebs, although I was really thinking of a famous comedian who’s started writing children’s books so bad they make my teeth hurt …
Steala
I am not sure what I feel about this. On the one hand, Alan, I don’t think you should term not getting long listed in four novel competitions a failure. (Actually I am impressed you managed to find four to enter – I never can find any that seem suitable.) We just don’t know enough about what the judges are looking for. And trying to second guess them is counterproductive. And when you think about some things that get successfully published, and clearly I’m not going to mention any names here but we all know the kind of thing I’m meaning, success doesn’t have to equate to quality writing at ALL. On the other hand, it’s disheartening to send off your work and receive a deafening nothing in return. So I try to divorce the writing from the publishing, and think only in terms of the former. It’d be cool to have something out there, being read, of course, but the main thing, for me, is that it exists, rather than it’s read. Or published. Or “successful”.
Stella
Yay! Well done, John. I did really find this horrible (in a good way). The only thing that jumped out at me (in a bad way) was the use of “seductive” to describe her smile, but that had gone anyway by the second edit.
Stella
I would definitely read on, since that’s what you asked, and I really enjoyed the contrast between the first and second sections. The tense change helps to separate the two, so it isn’t confusing. And I don’t hate prologues! The first bit, the more dreamlike, atmospheric section in the woods, would work as a prologue in my opinion. Of course, I guess it depends on how the rest of your novel is structured; if you’re going to give equal weighting to both voices then obviously not, but if the novel is mostly Laura’s voice in 1998 and 2014, then I think a prologue would be perfectly fine. And you could anchor the reader by including a date, maybe?
I do like your writing. And you’re very good at dialogue!
Stella
Yes, well, exactly. There’s only seven plots in fiction, I seem to recall being told, and as you say, it’s all down to individual writing. So I wouldn’t worry too much.
Stella
It was Frank Carson I think!
It’s very visual, which I like. I also like your almost-informal style of writing, which should work for your target readership, which I’m assuming is younger teens/children? I vastly preferred your original opening sentence, for what it’s worth, it scanned better for me and ended with the interesting word illuminiorb, which makes you want to read on. One thing – and this isn’t pertaining to how it works as an opening, so apologies – but as a side issue, the capitalising of the Power made me think of the book by Naomi Alderman. I’m sure it doesn’t matter as your intended readership is so different. But it was the first thing I thought of, and that might be true for your editor as well.
Stella