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Thank you, really helpful stuff – especially the double tingle spot – it’s amazing how much you can read things and not see them!
This brings the two characters together for the first time, and it is quite still, I agree, because she’s trying to hold a status quo, and he’s putting on a front, so they’re both in a state of tension in a way, which you have seen, so hopefully it’s getting to where I want it to be. The smile too, yes he should certainly smile – thank you!Thank you all for reading an commenting, it’s very much appreciated. I understand what everyone is saying about the start, it’s all good points – It was sort of a prologue (the part in the woods) but everyone hates them, but maybe just switching the two parts round and making them chapter one and two?
To answer a few specific points, the book moves between him and Laura’s; her’s told in 1998 and 2014, so the chapter seven is really sort of three in his time line. I take on board the points re-pace and language, I wonder if properly breaking them apart in to two might give each more time and space to work better? The other thing I might do is see if I can work the ‘him’ passage into one of the other chapters, so that is almost a dream he wakes up from – to anchor it better into the narrative?Thanks all again, I am emboldened enough to maybe post another chapter, not to be a thread hog!
I really want to read more of this and work out what’s going on, but I feel this opener is on the way to being something amazing, but isn’t quite there yet. I loved the writing style when you really pushed it and were bold, when you were writing almost in a voice of god style, and could have read a lot more of it. For me, it then focuses in a bit too quickly and in too many directions for a first chapter, so I got a bit confused by the scene changes. Don’t get me wrong, I loved everything I read and really wanted to find out what will happen, and what has happened, to them all, but I could have done with a little less pace.
The impression I got from this is a sense of even more serious levels of migration and hostility to this, combined with a technical break down, terroism and possibly a pandemic as well – and yes, love the genre, can’t get enough of the end of the world – so please take all my comments as basically a massive thumbs up – I want to read more of your narrator style because I think it’s brilliant!Thank you Daedalus – I take your points, I have trimmed it down and I will look at hinting at the girl’s age,as it’s six chapters in, it’s not the start of a book so I hope it wouldn’t have to be handled in the same way, but thanks for reading as ever – and not sure what your observation says about me!
Under clothes, what was I thinking? It’s why you need a fresh pair of eyes, wood for the trees!
Thank you 🙂
Hi Squidge!
Good point about moving him into the house, I have added ‘Once inside the door’ to make that clear, and I’ve had a bit of a tweak with his speech, but he is also trying to sound more respectable than he is, because (not a huge spoiler!) he’s putting on an act to her, but I’ve added in a bit more ‘innits!’
Cheerz!
Heaven comes to she who waits – and of course works very hard and never gives up! Wonderful times, huge congratulations!
