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Libby replied to the topic Monthly comp – July 2023 in the forum Monthly Competition 9 months, 2 weeks ago
What terrific stories. So much horror too. I began to wonder if the topic of building work had raised deeply traumatic memories!
@clebs ‘Behind Closed Curtains’ is very atmospheric, rich in detail and perfectly titled. I felt a few words could be cut, such as the second mention of Jimmy’s bowl, and I wasn’t sure if I got the story’s message. Was Marjorie’s house the one meant to be renovated? Did it catch fire and the electrician die trying to rescue her? I’m sorry if I’ve obtusely missed the point. Overall I liked the story a lot.
@athelstone ‘Brutal’ is another great title, the play on the word. The use of dialogue to describe pouring concrete is brilliant, nightmarish and emphasised so effectively in the last line. It sent a shiver like horror in a Hitchcock film. My only small criticism was what I felt were a few unnecessary words: ‘with rage’; ‘then’; ‘with terror’. But I’m not going to forget this story. It could give me bad dreams ????
@alex ‘Fallen’ is another wonderful title full of meaning and potential meaning. The father’s emotions as he tries to do his best are palpable. I think “She looked like her mom, four-years-old and already with the same cute dimples” would be better turned round to, “Four-years-old and already with the same cute dimples, she looked like her mom” to remove the suggestion that mom is four years old. I wasn’t sure if I was meant to find the final sentence chilling but I did and thought it worked very well, making a good story a memorable one. I also felt the story could work well at a slightly longer length if you wanted to show more of the father’s emotional situation, for example – maybe how he feels about his partnership with mom and whether he has any worries there? Only a suggestion, it’s good as it is.
@Janette ‘The Mausoleum’ is a wonderful mix of horror and humour. I love the ironic reference to Romeo and Juliet. I like the clever use of the first paragraph that sets the scene so economically. There’s further background detail worked into the story without feeling rushed. I thought some cutting would be beneficial, such as “This pile … him down” which is beautifully, and to my mind better, expressed in the dialogue that follows it. I thought “claustrophobic” could go too. Overall I’m impressed by how much you’ve portrayed in 300 words. Very enjoyable.
@sandradavies I loved the humour and irony in ‘Right man for the job!’ The voice is very good. My only criticism is that I felt there should be a full stop after ‘Arran-wrapped’. Otherwise I think this is a perfect story. The ending achieves that difficult thing of being a surprise but perfectly logical and I couldn’t find any words to cut!
Congratulations, @sandradavies and over to you.
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Wow, Libby, and thank you, a big surprise, especially as I’d already identified winners 1,2 and 3 and, my laptop having died and been taken away, and only having my ancient, over-full and steaming one, I wasn’t checking as often as I have been. I’ll try and come up with something as interestingly challenging as the last few have been.
Congratulations, Sandra. And thanks, Libby, for the challenge. Didn’t expect the critique too.