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I appreciate that this opening might be a tad slow but I hope there is enough to keep up the interest. An encounter with a long lost relative on the coach trip sets in train a vicious act of revenge against Bethany’s mother. Any and all thoughts welcome.
The phone vibrated, travelling across the table faster than she expected and threatening to drop off the edge. Bethany grabbed it, thumb brushing the green icon before she had time to register that it was her mother calling.
‘Hello?’ she said, knuckles white around the handset.
‘Darling, it’s me.’
Bethany’s throat had gone dry. ‘Hi Mum,’ she said and took a swig of water as she waited to hear what her mother wanted. The tone of voice at the other end was cheerful. Excited, even. The conversation could go either way. She held her breath.
’I’ve got the new Platinum Wheels brochure. There’s some good offers.’
‘Great.’ She hoped the relief in her tone wouldn’t be too evident, or that her mother would register it as enthusiasm. The coach holidays were a welcome development. Mum had enjoyed her first ever tour to Torquay last year so much that she’d booked another at short notice and enjoyed that too. The weather had been bad, unfortunately, and Bethany had received a barrage of dissatisfied texts as her mother was en route to Porthcawl, but once there things had brightened up in every way. Bert Coombes was on the Porthcawl trip and he’d been pleased to see Mum again. She’d taken him under her wing on the Torquay holiday as his wife had died the previous year and he’d not been away alone before. Mum had been able to give him all sorts of tips about solo travel and he’d been riveted by her stories of life in the French village where she had her holiday home until the travelling abroad became a bit much.
‘I thought we could go to Whitby in September.’
‘What?’ Bethany nearly dropped the phone.
‘Yes, it’s a week away. Only £300 each. I’ll pay for you. It can be your birthday treat.’
A week. A whole week in her mother’s company. Crammed in a coach and sharing a hotel room. For seven days and seven nights. After that, like Job, Bethany would be cursing the day she was born. As she had many times before. She dug her nails into her thigh trying to clear her ungrateful head so she could think of a polite way out of this.
‘That’s very kind of you, Mum, but I’m not sure I can get the time off. It’s very busy at work then. Our year end’s October.’ She was sweating, desperately hoping she’d not ever invoked the year end excuse before for a different month. It actually was in October, but Mum didn’t know that and being busy at work was a trump card which Bethany had played many times. Perhaps too many.
‘Don’t worry about that, darling. I saw Richard Griffiths at bridge yesterday.’
‘You saw my boss? At bridge? You never told me he comes along.’ Crap. Crap, crap, crap. She’d never be able to use work as an excuse again if Mum was going to see Richard at bridge.
‘He doesn’t usually. Old Widow Wobble-Chops brought him as a partner,. Her sister was ill.’
‘How does he know Wobble-Chops?’ The woman in question was a very meek, kind woman but she had taken to chocolates in a big way since losing her husband and Mum’s nickname for her was wickedly apt.
‘Her nephew. Good player, actually. Better than his mother. Anyway, when I told him it was your thirtieth he said of course you could have the time off. So that’s settled.’
Bethany felt dizzy. She clutched the edge of the table. ‘I’m not sure it’s a good idea, Mum. You get on so well with everyone and you hate how I clam up with people I don’t know.’
‘That’s because you don’t socialise enough. It’ll be good for you.’
‘But I don’t want to spoil your trip, Mum.’
‘Nonsense. A bit of mother – daughter bonding time is just what we need. We’ve not had a holiday together since you were small.’
‘I’d be boring company. Maybe you should see if Bert Coombes wants to go. You two got on so well together last year.’
‘I’ve rung him. He’s got a trip to Madeira already booked.’
‘Oh.’ So Bethany was second choice. The familiar pit of self-loathing opened up in her belly. When had Mum planned to drop that nugget into the conversation? There’s no way her mother would have invited someone else first and not found a way to let Bethany know.
‘The dates are the fifth to the twelfth of September. Have you got a pen to write that down, darling? Oh, and look on the Platinum Wheels website for the details. The tour reference is PW12837.’
Bethany’s biro left deep indentations in her notebook. Her mother wittered on for ten minutes more about her neighbour’s love life and then ended the conversation. She didn’t ask after Sylvester. The old tabby lay in his bed, asleep. The vet visit yesterday had not brought good news. His days were numbered. Bethany probably wouldn’t need to arrange the cattery for September, though she would book the dates just in case.
She finished her soup, now cold, and took the dish to the sink to wash it up. Sylvester twitched and yawned, then hauled himself up and rubbed against the back of Bethany’s legs. She filled his dish and set it in front of him, ruffling his neck as he bent his head to eat. He was overweight, but what did that matter now? Pet and owner, becoming daily more alike. Fat, tired and old.
Her hand hovered over the freezer handle. Tired and old she couldn’t do much about. But fat? Sod it. She’d always been a disappointment. Surely being a thin disappointment wasn’t all that much better than being a fat disappointment.
Bethany’s spoon visited the large tub of Ben & Jerrys as she checked out the Platinum Wheels website. The photos in the gallery showed lots of happy pensioners and a few in their fifties, probably accompanying a parent. At 68 Mum fit the demographic but Bethany certainly didn’t. Why had Mum married so late? She wasn’t a career woman and had always been happy to rely on Dad to provide. She was good-looking even now. Petite, with vivid red hair and a stylish wardrobe. There were few photos of Mum in her youth but those there were showed her to have been a stunner. Bethany had inherited her grandfather’s mousy looks, as Mum loved pointing out, often wondering out loud how two extraordinarily good-looking parents had managed to produce such plain offspring. Mum’s life before Dad was a closed book. Bethany didn’t dare ask her about it any more and the one time she’d asked Dad he’d jumped, made sure Mum was out of earshot, and then said ‘Our lives began when we met. Your mother had a very difficult early life but that’s behind her now. Always look forward, never back.’
Sylvester started hacking and Bethany checked her watch. It was just about time for his next dose of steroids but there was no point in giving it until he’d finished being sick. She cleaned up the mess, comforted Sylvester and offered him his pill in a piece of pilchard. He sniffed at it and looked away.
‘Come on, darling. Don’t lose your appetite yet, sweetie. I can’t face losing you.’
The cat felt weak on her lap. Only the tip of his tail moved and his breathing was slow. Eventually she cajoled him into taking the drugged pilchard. She settled him into his bed and wondered how she was going to find the strength to put him to sleep when the time came.
It was strange to think that lymphoma had taken Dad and now it was going to take Sylvester.It didn’t seem slow to me at all @bellam. Lots of great stuff. An unhappy heroine with a tricky relationship with her annoying mother who clearly has secrets in her past. And now she’s going to have to go on some ghastly coach trip with her. I’d read on. Particularly as she’s got an old and much loved cat. Only one comment – maybe the back story about Bert felt a bit shoe-horned in. I’d be happy for Mum to reveal she’d asked him before Bethany, without knowing exactly who he was. But it’s a very minor point.
Didn’t feel slow at all.
Only bit that jumped out at me was the initial explanation about Bert early on – it felt quite tell-y and a bit out of place where it was. I was caught up in the conversation and Bethany’s dilemma, and it pulled me out of the dialogue.
I wonder if that info would be better moved to when Bethany mentions him later on instead? It would explain why she’s offered this person as an alternative companion so although it’s still ‘telling’, it’s logical to tell there?
I thought this very well written and certainly not slow. However, as the opening to a novel, in view of what you tell us is going to happen, I feel it needs a hook. Perhaps a short chapter before this one, whetting the readers appetite.
Just my opinion, as always, so ignore at will.Some lovely, quality writing, Bella.
I do agree with the others that I didn’t need quite so much information about the Bert back story. That did slow it down.
I liked this bit. ‘The conversation could go either way. She held her breath’ It really had me thinking uh-oh, what is this mother going to be like? Is she mentally unstable and going to be really difficult to handle? Although she bulldozes over Bethany’s objections, and there’s the undertones of Bethany being treated as a disappointment, for me, what she says doesn’t quite live up to that really ominous opening. She reminded me a little of Bridget Jones’ mother. Maybe you could push her a little further? Or I might just be over analysing!
I did like the way the mother had an answer to everyone of Bethany’s objections. I could really feel Bethany’s desperation and how she was slowly smothered into compliance. That was beautifully done.
Small nit picks that may not be what you’re looking for, in which case ignore:
There are two ‘she said’ close together at the beginning.‘She hoped the relief…’ I’m not a filtering fan so that jumped out at me.
‘After that, like Job, Bethany would be cursing the day she was born.’ – This bit feels as if you’d moved out of Bethany’s head, and jarred for me.
‘She was sweating, desperately hoping…’ I thought the ‘desperately hoping’ was unnecessary and over explaining as you’ve already made it clear with the sweating and the rest of the conversation.
‘Crap. Crap, crap, crap.’ – love that bit!
‘The familiar pit of self-loathing opened up in her belly.’ – I might be over analysing again, but I felt you inferred that with everything around it, so maybe didn’t need to actually state it.
‘She finished her soup…’ I couldn’t see that you’d mentioned she was eating previously, so this came from nowhere.
‘Always look forward, never back.’ I’m intrigued.
You end on a real tear jerker. Poor Bethany! A character with problems who we can empathise with, but I do wonder a little where it’s going next. The September trip feels a bit too far in the future for real jeopardy. Do you jump straight forward to then? If there’s more to happen in between can you leave us with a hint of what that instability might be? This is an element of personal taste but I wonder if you need a stronger hook to end on.
Hope some of that is helpful.Once I’d read through a couple of times, my overall impression was curiosity, which is generally a good thing, and I felt comfortable with the way the story is moving. When I read through the first time though, I was a bit confused as to what was going on. I don’t mean the bare facts, I mean things like whether Bethany wanted the phone call, whether she wanted a holiday – or something – was she in favour of it, why was she trying to get her mother to register enthusiasm? Her mother mentions a holiday brochure and Bethany relaxes so I assume she wants – a holiday or what? Is she for it or against it?
I think that unless you are deliberately focussing on setting the reader a puzzle, which might be a valid way to begin in some circumstances, then you could probably hand-hold us a bit more through these opening lines. Also, I think the Bert story at this point doesn’t help because it introduces a second story when I am still trying to digest the present one.
The pace seemed good. I think you got us where you wanted quite quickly.
Once I’d read through a couple of times, my overall impression was curiosity, which is generally a good thing, and I felt comfortable with the way the story is moving. When I read through the first time though, I was a bit confused as to what was going on. I don’t mean the bare facts, I mean things like whether Bethany wanted the phone call, whether she wanted a holiday – or something – was she in favour of it, why was she trying to get her mother to register enthusiasm? Her mother mentions a holiday brochure and Bethany relaxes so I assume she wants – a holiday or what? Is she for it or against it?
I think that unless you are deliberately focussing on setting the reader a puzzle, which might be a valid way to begin in some circumstances, then you could probably hand-hold us a bit more through these opening lines. Also, I think the Bert story at this point doesn’t help because it introduces a second story when I am still trying to digest the present one.
The pace seemed good. I think you got us where you wanted quite quickly.
This is a good opening, Bella. An interesting character and the dualised relationships with cat, father and mother.
I think it starts at a good point, right into an interaction that lays the groundwork for a complex relationship. Some minor things that struck me were the early ‘tell’ of Bert that others have mentioned, and a sense that the nerves/dread/tension in Bethany were a little too strong. By which I mean, I imagine phonecalls like these were fairly familiar to BEthany, so I’d expect more fatigue and resignation, perhaps frustration, instead of such obvious anxiety. THere might be scope to make her reaction more subtle which would have set more of a hook for me, left me feeling curious about their relationship, rather than feeling like I actually got a fairly good sense of their dynamic by the end of the scene. But that’s me speaking from my personal preference, of course.
But definitely not too slow a start at all. I like your summary of the plot at the start – sounds intriguing!
Thank you everyone. You are a fab lot. This is a first draft, unedited, so thanks in particular to @Kate for the nit-picky points which are most useful, though I had not requested them. And yes – September is a while away but I will probably jump straight there as far as Bethany is concerned. Anything in between is likely to be flashback to the scenario triggering the revenge, if I can work out how to do it without giving away the plot twist.
Interesting that nobody likes Bert appearing where he does. That’s fine. Good to know. He doesn’t matter, save as a device to show Bethany taking second place to a stranger mother can show off to.
@Raine – I’m glad you felt the nerves and dread were a little too strong, though I need to think more about how I handle that, especially in the early stages. As the story unfolds we discover Mum is a narcissist who has emotionally abused and manipulated Bethany from childhood on, so Bethany’s reaction to her Mum is not going to be that of a normal child.
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