Jethro Weyman

I have so missed reading your writing! So good to see you here x

Ooh… I like this. Love the ramblings of his mind and the nuggets he reveals. I think I only noticed one it’s instead of its towards the start, so don’t worry so much about the dyslexia…

The first thing I picked up on are his speech/thought patterns. By which I mean he sounds…[Read more]

Like it. You mentioned ‘telly’ bits – as in telling, rather than showing. So when we first meet Florence, you tell us ‘a woman was sitting in a chair’ – a simple change like ‘a woman sat in a chair, eyes on the tv’ can make it less so. Similarly, towards the end, ‘He held a glass in each hand which…’could become something like ‘The glasses in…[Read more]

Thabks for the shout out, Kaz 😊 it was your talent and perseverence that won the day though xxx

There are two things it does do, John.

1 – it forms one of the filters on what you want to see on the main wall (Activity tab on main menu). You can toggle through the sub menu and choose to only see what friends have said. Right now we’re a small forum of 70 but if we hit a couple of 1000 of active users, you might very well prefer to just see…[Read more]

You mean the coppery tang of blood as her scalpel slices through pale flesh?! Just kidding. I know what you mean, Laure, I need to work on the atmosphere.
I hope this exercise is helping others to get a grasp of what makes a story work – join in everyone.

This is fab! Well done!!

This is fantastic news! Absolutely brilliant. Well done. And so exciting that you already have an editor at PRH lined up. I think it is great to get an agent too, to negotiate all those tricky contracts! Regarding the other rLondon agent, I think that you can simply inform her that you’ve signed with someone else and you wish to withdraw your…[Read more]

This is so well deserved. I can’t wait to see Ava meet a larger audience. I’ve loved the book since our SE days! Congratulations, Kaz. Really thrilled for you xxx 😊😁💞

So, so pleased for you – to get placed once in a comp is awesome, but to be placed twice in the same one? Out of this world!

I am so chuffed with all this good news today in the Den!!

Squeeeeee!!! So, so pleased for you! And Penguin Random House too? Flip – that’s the big time! Can’t tell you how delighted I am for you xxx

This is brilliant, Janette. 1st and 2nd place. Grinning from ear to ear 😀

Taking on board the comments so far, here’s an edited version, with a title change.

The First Time
Two men wearing overcoats followed the nurse down the corridor.
“Florence has quite perked up since you arranged this visit so she should be able to answer your questions. She’ll tire quickly, though, remember she’s over ninety.”
“Thank you, we’l…[Read more]

Thanks Tony, good points, noted.
Thanks, Elle. I guess my spell checker doesn’t speak French! Good points. I think I have a tendency to over-explain or I would have ended it at “He was my first”. Need to trust the reader more. The telly paragraph is a bit of a cop out – I’ll need to rewrite it.

I can’t remember what the original prompt was, but I…[Read more]

Good luck for when you sub! Xx

Yes, definetly more oblique, great. I wonder if you might change the ‘I hate sharing you’ lime (which makes Ashley sounds possessive) to something like “it’s just… you know how you get.” In other words, have Ashley referring to the problem without quite naming it…

FWIW, I actually think the phonemail is a really key pivot point! I would recommend keeping this in, and building the structure of the piece as a whole around it, as Kate highlights.
Remember, even though this story is built of a series of vignettes, it still needs to have a narrative arc. The phone call gives you a useful turning point, and the…[Read more]

Hi Elle,
Sorry it’s taken me a while to get to this.

I really enjoyed this. I think it’s an incredibly realistic portrayal of depression, especially the sense of complete hopelessness and almost indifference that invades. She almost simply accepts and embraces her “fate”, to the point where (for me) suicide in the bath seemed like simply the next…[Read more]