Sophie Jonas-Hill

Hi Sophia,

I enjoyed reading this and I like the way you get us into the MC’s head and show up how unhinged he is through his thoughts. I also like the subtle hint about OCD and the repeat of the four-pattern. I think you’ve suggested well that there is a lot more going about this MC that we don’t know yet.

One thing that stuck out for me in…[Read more]

Hi Elle,
Yes, I can see how that addition can work to show her trying and failing.
xx

Happy dancing along with the rest, Kaz! Congratulations – this is so exciting. Sorry I’ve not been in among the beta readers but I’d love to catch up with this some time.

I did wonder if there was an act involved… Not convinced you need lots more ‘innits’ unless he’s thinking them. Glad the thoughts were useful x

Thank you Squidge,I appreciate the input. Food for thought.

Thanks Jules.

I have so missed reading your writing! So good to see you here x

Ooh… I like this. Love the ramblings of his mind and the nuggets he reveals. I think I only noticed one it’s instead of its towards the start, so don’t worry so much about the dyslexia…

The first thing I picked up on are his speech/thought patterns. By which I mean he sounds…[Read more]

Like it. You mentioned ‘telly’ bits – as in telling, rather than showing. So when we first meet Florence, you tell us ‘a woman was sitting in a chair’ – a simple change like ‘a woman sat in a chair, eyes on the tv’ can make it less so. Similarly, towards the end, ‘He held a glass in each hand which…’could become something like ‘The glasses in…[Read more]

Read some of those stories, @johnalty – superb stuff, all with a strong, distinct voice. Even a couple of twists. Looking forward to finding @elle‘s stuff too

You mean the coppery tang of blood as her scalpel slices through pale flesh?! Just kidding. I know what you mean, Laure, I need to work on the atmosphere.
I hope this exercise is helping others to get a grasp of what makes a story work – join in everyone.

This reads better and I like that ending much better. One thing I think it’s missing at least for me are smell, colours, touch, little details that makes a scene come alive and differentiate it from other stories. For example, the smells in the nursing home, or when you said the restaurant was shabby, how was it shabby are we talking mismatched…[Read more]

Congratulations! Read the winning story and it is beautiful and well deserved 1st place.

That’s amazing news! Congratulations! Please keep us updated, especially one you have a publication date.

Well done, Janette! Good for you.

Hurray! Well done indeed, and all the best for the next steps. Keep us posted.

Hey, Kaz – fantastic. And really well-deserved!