Elle

Hi Elle,

I remember you talking about this story, and I really like it. A very clever twist on the oldest of tales.

I think you set things up well: we are expecting her to be the victim, but it shifts dramatically and she becomes the predator, turning the tables with her newly-discovered sexual power. Your writing, descriptions etc. as always,…[Read more]

Hi Elle,
Yes, I can see how that addition can work to show her trying and failing.
xx

Maybe just the one!;)

Happy dancing along with the rest, Kaz! Congratulations – this is so exciting. Sorry I’ve not been in among the beta readers but I’d love to catch up with this some time.

I did wonder if there was an act involved… Not convinced you need lots more ‘innits’ unless he’s thinking them. Glad the thoughts were useful x

Hi Squidge!

Good point about moving him into the house, I have added ‘Once inside the door’ to make that clear, and I’ve had a bit of a tweak with his speech, but he is also trying to sound more respectable than he is, because (not a huge spoiler!) he’s putting on an act to her, but I’ve added in a bit more ‘innits!’

Cheerz!

Thank you Squidge,I appreciate the input. Food for thought.

Thanks Jules.

I have so missed reading your writing! So good to see you here x

Ooh… I like this. Love the ramblings of his mind and the nuggets he reveals. I think I only noticed one it’s instead of its towards the start, so don’t worry so much about the dyslexia…

The first thing I picked up on are his speech/thought patterns. By which I mean he sounds…[Read more]

Like it. You mentioned ‘telly’ bits – as in telling, rather than showing. So when we first meet Florence, you tell us ‘a woman was sitting in a chair’ – a simple change like ‘a woman sat in a chair, eyes on the tv’ can make it less so. Similarly, towards the end, ‘He held a glass in each hand which…’could become something like ‘The glasses in…[Read more]

Read some of those stories, @johnalty – superb stuff, all with a strong, distinct voice. Even a couple of twists. Looking forward to finding @elle‘s stuff too

Thabks for the shout out, Kaz 😊 it was your talent and perseverence that won the day though xxx

Heaven comes to she who waits – and of course works very hard and never gives up! Wonderful times, huge congratulations!

There are two things it does do, John.

1 – it forms one of the filters on what you want to see on the main wall (Activity tab on main menu). You can toggle through the sub menu and choose to only see what friends have said. Right now we’re a small forum of 70 but if we hit a couple of 1000 of active users, you might very well prefer to just see…[Read more]

You mean the coppery tang of blood as her scalpel slices through pale flesh?! Just kidding. I know what you mean, Laure, I need to work on the atmosphere.
I hope this exercise is helping others to get a grasp of what makes a story work – join in everyone.

I’m doing the moonwalk here for you, Kaz. Slippin’ and a slidin’ all over the place in celebration.
Well done!! Delighted for you and Ava and the agent and PRH who have a great book that’ll sell bucketloads.