@katemachon
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As a slightly more general point, I wonder if this chapter moves the story forward enough. They have this great and exciting ride and Elsbeth discovers some things about herself, but has the plot moved at all? Not having read the rest of the story it’s a bit hard to tell, but just something to think about. (Have to admit I’m guilty of too much pace, so this might be just right.)
I hope some of the above is helpful. It may seem like a lot of suggestions, but I think you’ve got a good solid piece here which with a bit of editing could become delightful.Of course these are just my thoughts, so take what works for you and discard the rest. Good luck with the editing.
A few other odds and ends: ‘Snow melt trickled off the mountains into a river underground.’ This is a very big image. What is Elsbeth seeing exactly. Maybe more precise.
‘Elspeth reached out to touch him. Her fingers touched his sleeve.’ Repetition of touch.
‘Elspeth invited her to sit with them’. How? – did she indicate the chair and smile.
‘Tamram’s crown was too tight.’ – quite telly – conversation might work better here. Have Tamram actually say ‘Ow, mine is too tight.’
You have Elsbeth blush twice in close proximity. Maybe change on of them to something else.
‘Pendra cackled’ – makes me think of an unpleasant sound – maybe a different word?
‘to Elspeth’s surprise’ – a place to show rather than tell.eg ‘Wow, how was that happening.’
And similarly with these kind of phrases ‘Elspeth forgot to be afraid’, ‘looking around with joy’, ‘Elspeth marvelled.’
I noticed in some places you can be quite formal. Eg ‘she deduced’, ‘Koban addressed Tamram and Elspeth’ These feel a bit out of place in MG. Maybe relax the writing a little.
There are also a few places where you head hop point of view. I think you just need to tighten these to make sure you stay with Elsbeth. ‘He found it uncomfortable to wear.’ Tamram’s POV. He could complain it was uncomfortable to wear, and that would stop it become his POV. ‘Tamram shook his head in wonder.’ Only Tamram could know it was ‘in wonder’ so it is his POV. ‘Farah realised they would soon…’ Jump into Farah’s POV. ‘Pendra cackled with delight looking over her shoulder at Tamram and Elspeth’s astonished faces’ you’re showing us what Pendra is seeing, so it is her POV.
Concentrating specifically on the flight section, here are some thoughts on how to use show rather than tell:
Elspeth and Tamram accepted with delight (telly – having them reply might work better. ‘Oh yes, that would be amazing’, then show us what Elsbeth is feeling. ‘A prickle of anticipation ran across Elsbeth’s skin.’ And then perhaps a direct thought. ‘Was she really going to do this?’) and followed Pendra across the vine walkways to where the dragonflies clung to a tree. Pendra made a chirping noise and three of the dragonflies alighted on the landing platform. Tamram waited (They’re about to get on dragon flies – presumably for the first time – so Tamram seems a bit calm to just wait. Could he jiggle on the spot?) for Elspeth to choose a dragonfly How does she feel – nervous, excited. Show us these feelings. Does her stomach give a little flip, her hands tremble? What is she thinking. Use the free indirect style to show us her thoughts.) and then he took her crutches and left them at the edge of the landing platform. ‘You won’t need them for flying,’ he Tamram said, taking her crutches and leaving them on the edge of the platform. (might read better).
As soon as her feet met the stirrups, the huge blue insect rose from the landing platform. (Is she scared. Does she grab at a saddle -if there is one. Give us a sense of her reaction to being in the air for the first time) Her hands gripped the reins. Buzzing filled the air.
Pendra’s dragonfly took the lead and the others followed obediently. They left Marratin behind them and swooped down through the trees, Tamram and Elspeth gaining confidence (rather than telling us they gained confidence, have Elsbeth starting to relax as she learns to grip with her knee and leans into turns etc. Show don’t tell.) as they banked left and right. Pendra then led them in some little dives and swoops that left Elspeth’s stomach behind. (that’s nice showing) Having built up their confidence,(you’ve already said that) Pendra switched to more daredevil flying, leading the dragonflies on a merry chase, dashing this way and that. Exhilarated (Telly – can Elsbeth’s breath catch in her throat? Can you have her think ‘This was incredible’), Elspeth leaned closer to the dragonfly, urging it faster. Flight liberated her. Here her leg couldn’t slow her down. (Nice showing of how it affects MC.)So for example, instead of saying ‘Elspeth hoped he was asking about Dad.’ You could say. ‘Please let him be asking about Dad’. that gives us Elsbeth’s thought directly, without filtering her thoughts through her.
Or, instead of ‘Elspeth decided to ask Launde about it.’ ‘She would ask Launde about it.’ Because we’re in Elsbeth’s POV, you don’t have to say ‘she decided’. It has to be her deciding this. When you cut out that extra unnecessary filtering, the writing can become much more immediate.
In the first example, with the ‘Please let him be asking about Dad.’ That’s something called Free Indirect Style. It’s another way to move us closer to the character by offering the character’s thoughts to the reader directly. You do use these sometimes, like ‘How could all around be ice, but underground water ran freely?’ and ‘How else could it move so fast?’ I think if you used these type of direct thoughts a lot more, it would really start to make Elsbeth’s character jump off the page and start to develop her all important Voice.
Here’s a blog link about free indirect style.
Hi MCave – thanks for sharing with us. I can see flying around on giant dragonflies would be very appealing to your MG market.
While this is fun, it does feel a bit distant and telly in places. It would be nice if you could move us a bit closer to the MC and let the reader experience the excitement, particularly with the flying, that Elspeth would be feeling. Basically, more show and less tell.There are some techniques that can help you do this. First, you might want to do a filtering edit and take out the filtering words that you use quite a lot. Filtering words are words like hoped/felt/wondered/saw/looked. They drop the character in front of the reader, keeping us distant from them. You’re in the MC’s point of view, so it has to be them seeing, feeling, wondering etc. If you take them out the reader will feel closer to the action. As if what is happening and what the character is thinking are the readers actions and thoughts. Here’s a link to a blog by a very good creative writing tutor. I hope it explains more clearly what I mean.
https://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/2016/07/filtering.html
How incredibly insensitive of her, Hilary. Of course you were excited and expecting something after being asked to meet her. What on earth was the agent thinking? But, as others have said, there mat be a positive side. Perhaps give yourself time to get some distance then decide if her suggested revision are for you or not.
And Janette – another strange story. Exceedingly rude of the agent. I know they’re inundated, but to have expressed such interest then send a standard rejection. Unbelievable.
Thanks @KazG. Your thoughts on this are comforting. I was worried if I had to pull back and simplify more I might lose the voice, but I wanted to know if I needed to do a major edit on this aspect or not. I’ll stop worrying about it now.
But, as always, the feedback has been great at throwing up some other issues, so I shall get to work on Pix’s motivation and paring back that description.
Many thanks for your thoughts and time.
I had a sticky scene that wasn’t working Squidge, and after some time away from it I reread and thought D’oh, of course she wouldn’t react like that. She’d be angry. It’s funny how the characters become real people in our heads.
Thanks for the heads up about Kingstone. I shall go take a look.
I did a bit of googling and everybody says something different. Apparently in 2014 there were more first person than third, so I guess it just varies.
I shall attempt to find more subtle ways of placing my characters, as you suggested. Thanks for all the help. I’ll keep it all in mind as I go in for the next round of edits.
That’s a really good point Sea. I took a look at my MG books and they’re all third person! Thanks for the Jess Butterworth one – I shall take a look. I’ll also try and do some investigating into first/third. (And possibly have a cry over my keyboard at the thought of rewriting into third. :D)
Thanks @seagreen, this is all great. I’ll have a think about the save the cat moment and ramp up the fear a bit as a few people have mentioned that. I’ll weed out some of the description as well.
Re the being in the character’s head, and the explanations like ‘standing next to me’, I think you’ve cut to the heart of my question re YA vs MG writing.
Looking at MG books, I’ve found the reader tends to be less in the character’s head and more riding around on their shoulder. I believe this is because younger mind finds it harder to infer what is going on and therefore needs a bit more distance and explanation. Hence I’ve tried to explain where the characters are in relation to each other and maybe tell a little more than I would in YA writing.
But is that working. Have I gone too far, or not far enough? I think that’s my question.
First day
The first day of school was always like this – nervous parents clutching little ones’ hands, milling in a crowd of growing frenzy. The sooner they were decoupled and the parents moved firmly on their way, the better it would be for everyone. But first reassurance was needed.
I moved through the group, cutting apron strings when no one was looking, and shepherding children towards their new classroom. There were always some late ones. The adults had probably sat in the car crying while the children wondered what torment they were about to be subjected to. But it would only take a little glue and glitter to get them smiling. Not so easy for the parents.
When the final stragglers came through the door, I recognised her immediately. And with that recognition the memories came tumbling back. Memories that I’d sealed away so tightly they’d been forgotten for the last twenty years.
But now the room tilted and I was just a little girl again, crying in the corner of the playground because Miss Popular had told everyone not to talk to me. I’d been part of the in-crowd for a while, even been her best friend, but it had only taken one silly mistake to turn her on me.
Odd socks. That was all it was. I hadn’t even noticed the pair didn’t match, but she did, and she laughed and turned her back on me. And now, seeing her face, the pain was as sharp as it had been on that day. My throat grew tight and my eyes pricked.
She hadn’t recognised me – too worried about the little boy glued to her hand to think, and they were as wide eyed as each other. I couldn’t quite believe it, after all this time, that she’d been handed to me like this.
Everyone else faded away as I walked towards them and looked down at her little son. ‘Hmm. Matching socks. Well done,’ I said.
She gasped, just a little intake of breath, but we both knew she’d remembered, and there was a panic in her eyes, a panic I remembered so well, because there was no escape. She backed up a step and my classroom assistant swooped in, all smiles, knowing the signs of a runner.
‘He’ll be fine,’ she gushed. ‘We’ve got a wonderful day planned…’
The rest of her words were lost as the mother and I stared at each other. And that was when the strangest thing happened. Something inside of me relaxed. Perhaps this was why I’d become a teacher; to stop what had happened to me happening to others. But whatever the reason, I was better than her. I would let this go.
Patting her arm, I smiled. ‘Don’t worry. You’ll be here picking him up in no time.’
As I headed to the classroom, I couldn’t help looking back at her tight-lipped, teary face, and a little part of me laughed inside.
(490 words)
Here is the link to the Corrugated Sky Urban Fantasy book my short story Changing Gabe is included in. Some of you will have come across it in Athelstone’s Room with a View writing challenge at the beginning of the year.
The theme for the anthology was Sass and Magic. If that tickles your fancy, I hope you will go and take a look.
It feels a bit surreal being in a book on amazon! But nice. 🙂
Thanks everyone. I’m still floating around in the clouds. Hopefully at the end of the month I will be able to put up a link so you can take a look. 🙂
What a fun idea. Who’d have thought there were so many weird and wonderful names for beige. I shall get my thinking cap on.
Thanks everyone for taking part. These were all such great pieces its been incredibly hard to decide on a winner, so a few brief thoughts on them:
Baz – This one gave me a real prickle. Loved the feel those open ended questions gave it, and the ending is as if you’re slamming a door.
John – Bravo. Love the message in the last line of the first verse and what it leads to. And the couplet is masterfully woven in in the closing lines.
Squidge – a little bit of Dystopian/fantasy feel, but could so easily apply to lots of our own history as well as places today.
Sandra – This was a surprise after reading the first three. You’ve taken the words and turned them on their head. And I found myself nodding at your hard pragmatism. You’ve stripped out the poetry and replaced them with thought provoking reality which is hard to ignore.
Janette – A heart tugging look at the cost of belief and the choosing to take control of the final ending.
Athelstone – Wonderful voice, as ever. I could hear this person loud and clear having a right gripe about everyone. Put a smile on my face.
Libby – Loved that line ‘On a colour chart the paint could have been named Anonymity’. A lovely internalized look at the roles of fate and luck versus mastery and soul.
I’ve slept on these, taken another read, um and ahhed some more, but a choice has to be made.
Winner: Squidge
Honourable mentions: Baz & JohnThanks again all for taking part and over to you @Squidge.
I’ve read them all and am completely stumped as to which to choose. Will have to sleep on it. Being as I’m having so much trouble, I am open to bribes… 😬
All entries gratefully received, Sandra. I’ll look forward to reading. 12 days left to the end of the month, if anyone else is interested in taking part.
