@katemachon
Active 2 days, 20 hours agoForum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Thanks, Sandra. I wasn’t expecting that! A really fantastic prompt and so many great entries. Bear with me on coming up with something for next month as I’m helping my mother move house today.
Bringing a gun into a house changes it. The fear that used to coil in your stomach like writhing vipers has stilled. No need to jump at every squeak and clonk. Now, a strident voice in the street or the sound of smashing windows makes you smile. A slow, secretive smile.
You think it’s power, and the gun feels like it. The slick weight in your hands, the metallic taste of oil at the back of your throat, the imagined whiff of ozone and gunpowder.
Protection. Security. Your life’s better. You almost wish someone would dare; that your faceless tormentors would violate your home. Because things are different, and you’d show them.
And then all your fears and secret hopes become reality; there’s someone in your house, the gun is in your hand and your finger is on the trigger. This is the moment. Your moment. Except the truth of it slices like broken glass on bare feet. This isn’t safety; this is a speeding bullet. And what will you do? Your finger twitches, your thoughts spiral like fractured light. Can you do it? Death.
And now you know. Bringing a gun into the house didn’t change it. It changed you.
(193 words added)
Hi Tony. I find unrelenting has negative connotations, as if his time in the limelight were a terrible burden that he didn’t wish for. Whereas A Lyttle goes a Long Way piques my interest, and the follow on line that mentions the ‘Ulster Storyteller’ wraps it up for me and would make me take a look inside to see if I fancied a read.
Hope that’s useful.
KateCongratulations, Jules. Sounds like a brilliant book – I’m off to buy it now. And thanks for all the tongue in cheek info. Made me laugh as well as being interesting.
This had a wonderful energy and so many great observations. I loved the quirkiness of phrases like ‘lean forward talker’ and laptop caresser’. I’m going to try and keep this style in mind next time I have to describe something. It was my bedtime read, and most enjoyable. Thanks Gerry.
🙂 I think we’re all fairly cracked already, Philippa, to keep doing this writing thing to ourselves!
A great reminder that if you keep on battering your head against that wall, sometimes it cracks! Congratulations Philippa. I’ll go and enjoy the read.
SECRETS
It was closing time at the library. The best time of day as far as Charlie was concerned. At last he could spend some time alone with the books, wiping covers and aligning spines, handling the stories that could transport him to a different world. It was just a pity he had to share them with other people’s sticky fingers.Not that the real world was turning out too shabbily; not since starting his little side-line. He straightened his bow tie and settled the chunky Rolex more comfortably on his wrist before pushing the trolley of returned books into the aisles. Plenty of time to finish his duties and log onto the library database for a little information to aid those extracurricular activities.
The other librarians didn’t like the tidying up time of day. They were always in a rush to get home to families or their favourite soaps. But so what if they thought him odd or just plain lonely volunteering for this task. They already cast him strange glances. He could see the questions written on their faces. How could old Charlie afford such an expensive watch? Some suggested it was a cheap knock off from one of his expensive holidays abroad. Charlie gave a slow smile. If only they knew.
He paused to slot a novel into place, drawing in a slow breath that filled him with the scent and taste of old books and words. This was one of his favourite spots, right on the other side of the romances section. There was always plenty to learn here. In fact, just today Jane Barnett had told Nancy Collins about the affair with her next-door neighbour. Charlie’s smile stretched wider, revealing uneven, yellowed teeth. Despite his arthritic hip, he’d made double time to the check out desk for a glimpse of the names on their membership cards.
They say books resonate secrets, and this library was certainly providing him with plenty of them.
Blackmail was such a dirty word. It was amazing what people would pay to keep their secrets.
(343 words)
Thanks Sandra. The ‘mate’ was an attempt to show gender. Always tricky in first person. I’ve never been on a motorbike so your observations are most useful, as are your suggested tweaks. Much appreciated.
Thanks Bella. I’m relieved it works for you and thanks for all the tweaks. Definitely should be ‘they would come for me.’ Great catch.
Some lovely, quality writing, Bella.
I do agree with the others that I didn’t need quite so much information about the Bert back story. That did slow it down.
I liked this bit. ‘The conversation could go either way. She held her breath’ It really had me thinking uh-oh, what is this mother going to be like? Is she mentally unstable and going to be really difficult to handle? Although she bulldozes over Bethany’s objections, and there’s the undertones of Bethany being treated as a disappointment, for me, what she says doesn’t quite live up to that really ominous opening. She reminded me a little of Bridget Jones’ mother. Maybe you could push her a little further? Or I might just be over analysing!
I did like the way the mother had an answer to everyone of Bethany’s objections. I could really feel Bethany’s desperation and how she was slowly smothered into compliance. That was beautifully done.
Small nit picks that may not be what you’re looking for, in which case ignore:
There are two ‘she said’ close together at the beginning.‘She hoped the relief…’ I’m not a filtering fan so that jumped out at me.
‘After that, like Job, Bethany would be cursing the day she was born.’ – This bit feels as if you’d moved out of Bethany’s head, and jarred for me.
‘She was sweating, desperately hoping…’ I thought the ‘desperately hoping’ was unnecessary and over explaining as you’ve already made it clear with the sweating and the rest of the conversation.
‘Crap. Crap, crap, crap.’ – love that bit!
‘The familiar pit of self-loathing opened up in her belly.’ – I might be over analysing again, but I felt you inferred that with everything around it, so maybe didn’t need to actually state it.
‘She finished her soup…’ I couldn’t see that you’d mentioned she was eating previously, so this came from nowhere.
‘Always look forward, never back.’ I’m intrigued.
You end on a real tear jerker. Poor Bethany! A character with problems who we can empathise with, but I do wonder a little where it’s going next. The September trip feels a bit too far in the future for real jeopardy. Do you jump straight forward to then? If there’s more to happen in between can you leave us with a hint of what that instability might be? This is an element of personal taste but I wonder if you need a stronger hook to end on.
Hope some of that is helpful.Wonderful news. Congratulations. And very interesting about the previous rejections. Subjective, as you say.
Thanks Elle. Setting is something I usually skim over, so I will try applying this and see what happens!
This is great Raine. I’ve read a few structure books and I can see how they all reflect in this arc. It’s nice to have it in this concise summary. I’m going to print it out and pin it to the wall!