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Is this the kind of thing peeps meant? Still needs a tweak or two, yet, but…
By Tildaâs twenty-sixth attempt to produce an illuminorb, Silviuâs patience was wearing thin.
âConcentrate, Tilda,â the Ambakian powermage snapped.
âI am concentrating.â Tilda rubbed her palm against her trouser leg. It felt hot; surely she mustâve been close to pulling the Power down that time?
âAgain.â Silviu grabbed Tildaâs hand and pulled her arm straight out in front of her before releasing it.
Tilda gritted her teeth. She’d never be able to do this; she could feel the Power inside, fizzing through her veins as it had done ever since her initiation, but she couldnât seem to pull it outside of herself to form one of the illuminated spheres that Silviu had demonstrated to her so easily.
Silviu sighed and rubbed his forehead. âRemember what I told you. Imagine a channel in your arm and direct the Power along it, towards your hand, where you can shape the Power into something more tangible â like an orb.â
âAnd if I canât?â
Silviuâs blue eyes shone like chips of ice when he replied. âYou must. You cannot progress any further with your training as a powermage until you succeed.â
âOh.â No pressure, then. If Tilda couldnât produce an orb, would Silviu send her packing and look for a new mage for Merjan?
Once more, thatâs all. Then she was giving up â for today, anyway.
She closed her eyes and focussed on the fizzing sensation. It had been strange to feel that extra something inside her body over the last few days, and its constant presence had fooled her into thinking it would be easy to use the Power. But to consciously tune into that sensation and draw on it to produce an orb of light was much harder than it looked â what if she never managed it?
Donât think about failing, a little voice said in her head. You can see and sense the Power â heck, youâve even spoken to it. You canât give up, not after everything youâve gone through to get here. ConcentrateâŚand try again.
Tilda took a deep breath and quieted her thoughts. In her head, she imagined a line, running from her chest to her shoulder, then along her arm and thickening where it reached her palm. Concentrating hard, she visualised the fizzing as blue light, and gently, drew it along the line, colouring her whole arm blue. When her palm was also filled with the light, she imagined shaping and moulding it into a ball the size of an orange, muttered âilluminarka spherusâ, and opened one eye to see what, if anything, had happened.
Floating just above her palm was a pea-sized ball of brilliant white light.
Thanks, Gipps – and you should see my scrap bag! I’m sure there’s at least another quilt in there trying to get out, plus a couple of sets of squares that I need to do something with…
Next quilting project is one for my son – I’m aiming to get it done by the time he goes to uni. Which gives me a year…eeek!!
Choose ring bound notebooks to scribble ideas in; you’ll never lose your pen if you keep one clipped down the inside of the rings…
Jane – yes, this is the start of number 2…
Will have a think about the success bit… If two peeps think it, you might well have a point. đ
Thanks Kate, Mad.
Actually, I reckon your way would work too, Mad. I suppose it depends what it is you’re trying to emphasise in the opener – for me, it was the fact that Tilda’s been trying to get this bloomin’ illuminorb right for so long, whereas depending on how you worded the next bit, your suggestion might focus attention on Silviu and his lack of patience?
I do find it interesting how we’d all approach things slightly differently. But then, it’d be a boring world of books if we didn’t!
Ta, Jules. I’m working on the theory that this quilt can be reversible, in that the visible spirals on the ‘back’ are just as lovely as the mixed coloured stripes on the ‘front’. A lot still to do though.
I did wonder if there was an act involved… Not convinced you need lots more ‘innits’ unless he’s thinking them. Glad the thoughts were useful x
I have so missed reading your writing! So good to see you here x
Ooh… I like this. Love the ramblings of his mind and the nuggets he reveals. I think I only noticed one it’s instead of its towards the start, so don’t worry so much about the dyslexia…
The first thing I picked up on are his speech/thought patterns. By which I mean he sounds quite formal when he’s talking to the landlord’s daughter, but towards the end, he’s dropped into ‘innit’, which seemed out of character for how he’s narrating his thoughts up to that point.
The other thing was that I assumed that whole conversation with the girl was on the doorstep for some reason – it was only when I got to the bit when he turns from walking up the stairs I realised he’s actually gone into the house.
In more general terms, this MC’s got a lot of issues – and history – which comes across very clearly. Look forward to reading more.
Like it. You mentioned ‘telly’ bits – as in telling, rather than showing. So when we first meet Florence, you tell us ‘a woman was sitting in a chair’ – a simple change like ‘a woman sat in a chair, eyes on the tv’ can make it less so. Similarly, towards the end, ‘He held a glass in each hand which…’could become something like ‘The glasses in his hands rendered him…’ shows us why he can’t defend himself rather than telling us.
And yes, I’m with Laure in that adding something about what Florence remembers of the detail of the attack can bring it to life even more. It doesn’t necessarily need to be gory, but things you wouldn’t think someone would notice when they’re committing murder.
This story definitely has legs – now to make it run!! đSo, so pleased for you – to get placed once in a comp is awesome, but to be placed twice in the same one? Out of this world!
I am so chuffed with all this good news today in the Den!!
Squeeeeee!!! So, so pleased for you! And Penguin Random House too? Flip – that’s the big time! Can’t tell you how delighted I am for you xxx
I think we all thought it’ll be OK, it’ll carry on but just get worse to access. Not that we’d wake up to find the whole lot gone…
And yes, to see people join, and build their confidence and skills – whether that led to publishing success or not – was a real privilege and huge part of the community the cloud developed into.
Can I add something extra to this list, Jules?
By all means, give examples of how differently something could be written when you give feedback – sometimes seeing the work written differently helps you as the author to understand what difference that kind of change could make to your story. But don’t be tempted to completely rewrite the whole piece – it’s not necessarily helpful to the author because it doesn’t help them to write any changes ‘their way’.
My agent experience is somewhat limited, but I’d add that it’s not the end of the world if you don’t get one.
Although I worked with an agent for two/three years, when she decided not to work with me any further (bearing in mind that nothing was signed between us in all that time) it gave me the freedom to strike out on my own. Course, I appreciate that’s not ideal for everyone, and having an agent and a publishing deal is still a Really Good Thing for those who want to proceed that way. It just didn’t work out for me, personally.
Are you trying any indie pubs or small presses direct, PB?
Aw, well – maybe we’ll have to go together next year if they do one! What is a Golden Egg workshop?! Sounds very children’s author, too!
You’re not the only one, Ath – I’m finding it hard too. I think Jules said there’s about three different ways to access some info, and problem is I can’t remember which way I did it! I think I’ve not got stuck into my head the various ‘levels’ within this site – perhaps I need to draw up a visual map for myself to help navigate! A flow chart of how to get where… đ
@Daeds – That’s what I’m doing (I think) I click edit but all I get is the username box… nothing else.
One other thing…might’ve already been mentioned? Any way of reducing the banner at the top of the page? Quite disconcerting to only see the dow info and my name in the green box when I go into any new topic. Though that might just be a ‘me’ thing re lots of space on the page!
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OK – next issue. Realised I have my user and @name thing mixed up. I think. Have changed to Squidge as my tag on here, but how do I alter anything else on my profile? Only seem to get a user name option. Finding navigation difficult, but I’ll get there. I suppose it’s just a familiarity thing.
First impressions – brill! Having issues with the text size on this forum (haven’t gone far enough into site yet to compare others) as I’m having to strain to read it on my main PC (bigger screen than the laptop) but if I try to magnify will I lose the ‘edges’.
Agree with Richard about the ‘username’ thing. And the picture as it stands at the mo probably needs to be much larger on the home page. It looks a bit lost in all that space – and I’m assuming the photos used are copyright free? I know you have to be careful other peeps’s images.
Colours are good on the eye. Still working my way round the forums so might have more later.
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This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by